Admitting Anxiety

This is a tough one. This is something I never thought I had.

Yes I have a nervous deposition for job interviews, meeting new people, going to new places, but it’s now that I finally realise this is for real. This isn’t something everyone suffers from. This isn’t ‘normal’.
It’s not ‘normal’ to feel sick in the pit of your stomach to get up and just go to work.

It’s not ‘normal’ to suffer from stomach aches and pain because you are so anxious of upcoming pressure.

It’s not ‘normal’ to have so much self doubt that you feel like nothing is possible and you will fail at whatever you try and achieve. Despite knowing, from your heart that you are capable of whatever you set your mind to.

It’s not ‘normal’ to feel like you’re pissing everyone off with your mood swings, lack of confidence and sadness because you just aren’t feeling happy right now.

It’s not ‘normal’ to feel stupid because you think you’re being silly and over the top, but just can’t shake the doubt nor talk yourself round to feeling better.

But it’s started to be my normal.

I have never felt so alone, scared, worried, panicked, doubtful, sick, tired and unsure in all my life. It’s through no fault of my own, nor those around me. I receive so much support and advice from friends, family and my fiancee, which works for some time whilst I’m around the encouragement. But as soon as I’m alone and left with my own thoughts, It goes a little AWOL and I’m right back where I started.

It was only last weekend, when I had a really hard decision to make, I was feeling down, upset, panicky and doubtful I really started to see the true effects of anxiety. For the first time, I couldn’t make a decision for myself that I felt confident in. I was completely doubting my own ability and decision I needed to make for myself, running around in circles on what I should or should not do.

The knock on effect resulted in a catastrophic amount of emotions, tears and worry.

Whilst researching for mental health awareness week, planning to do a blog post, I started to read up on the infamous anxiety effects and treatments. I started mentally ticking of most if not all the symptoms, relating to the feelings I was getting more frequent than before. That’s when it became clear its not ‘normal’, to feel the way I had been feeling. I had been suffering for quiet some time, and that made me more sad. How did I not know this was effecting aspects of my life resulting in unhappiness and borderline depression.

There are a lot of things to be happy about in my life, and I feel ever so silly and over dramatic to be claiming I’m so unhappy that I am suffering from anxiety and possibly depression.

The first thing I have been wanting to do is let someone in to how I am feeling. Make people aware. I am so conscious of shutting myself off and ultimately climbing into a imaginary shell. I do not want this to be a ongoing, frequent occurrence for me. I do not want to be feeling like this, or worse for long periods of time.

I am aware what has put me here, what has made me feel like this. I am changing aspects that should eradicate and ultimately put me on the straight and narrow to feeling happy, confident and content.

The first progress of it all has been this post! Opening up to more than just my poor fiancee who has to cope with my tears and stress every other day. Whilst I haven’t shed any light on tips and advice in this post, I just hope some know they are not alone. There are many of us out there battling self doubt, stress, worry, panic, sadness and ultimately anxiety.

Remember – you have a 100% track record of making it through the day! 

I start my first day at a new job Monday. I will do well. I will be fine. I am capable. 

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